Threshold
by DeBo81
Summary: SPOILER ALERT:Contains season 3 spoilers, especially for the finale. Picks up at the end of "Knockout".  When the unthinkable happens, Kate must come to terms with her past and present before she can accept her future.
1. Part 1

**"Threshold"  
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****Nominated for the 2011 Castle Fan Awards in the fanfic category: Best Drama  
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_**SPOLIER ALERT!**_

**I'm going to leave the A/N for the end but I need to tell you that this story is season 3 spoiler heavy, especially concerning the season finale. So if you don't want to be spoiled, come back after you've seen all of season 3. I'll wait for you! :) **

**This story is complete and was originally all one "short story" but now I've divided it up into 3 parts. I'm posting each section separately but they will all be up by the end of the day.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, it's characters, locations or dialogue. I just borrowed them and then put them back.**

"Threshold"

Part 1

Kate choked back tears as she stood before the crowd of mourners. She couldn't even look at the devastated Montgomery family, due to her own pain and guilt. After tortured years of practicing putting her feelings aside, she should be able to numb herself enough to make it through the short speech, but seeing the hurt in the eyes of her friends and coworkers was almost more than she could take. Every word she uttered brought her one step closer to losing her remaining grasp on her composure.

"... and if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you."

She turned toward Castle who hadn't left her side since the night at the airport. He of all people knew and understood what had really happened; why their beloved Captain was dead, and why she carried the weight of it on her shoulders. He didn't blame her. No one did. No one except for herself, and he knew that too. He'd told her countless times in the last three days that it wasn't her fault. He reminded her of Roy's words that it was his own sins he was dying for, and that he did what he felt he had to in order to make things right. Castle's strength and constant support couldn't change how she felt, but it did take the edge off her pain. More than once she felt that if he wasn't at her side, both physically and emotionally, she would have completely crumbled. And now even here, he was standing close to her where he probably didn't belong, because instinctively he knew he was where she needed him. So when he looked to him, he encouraged and comforted her with his eyes, renewing her resolve to continue.

"Our Captain would want us to carry on the fight. And even if there is a moment when we falter, he would want..."

"Kate!" Castle shouted as he dove for her.

She never heard the shot, but the moment she felt the searing impact, she knew. She was next. The sniper's bullet found it's mark and stole her breath, a split second before Castle was able to knock her out of harms way.

The feel of liquid fire spread through her. The chaotic screams of those who saw her go down, faded away. Her strength seems to flow from her body with her blood.

Suddenly Castle filled her line of sight. She wanted to reach out to him, to cling to him and tell him how she felt, but she was already in shock, paralyzing her on the ground.

His lips were moving just inches above her face. He was telling her something. She tried with everything she had left in her, to focus on his whispered words, but she couldn't make them out. Then, just before slipping away, his voice broke through the fog in her mind. "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

XXXXXXXXXXX

When Kate woke up, it was dark. She had no idea where she was and couldn't see anything that would give her a clue.

Something in her brain told her she should be afraid, but for some reason the fear never came. Slowly, she sat up from what seemed to be a small bed and tried to take a personal inventory. She wasn't in pain and that surprised her, but she didn't know why.

Kate stood up and began to walk around the room. The longer she walked, the more her eyes adjusted to the dark, and after some indiscernible amount time passed, she noticed a faint light near the floor.

When she got closer to the pale glow, she found that it was coming from below a door, hidden in the murky blackness.

Feeling that she had nothing to lose, Kate moved her hand to the cool doorknob and gave it a turn. At first it stuck, like it hadn't been opened in years but then gave way and opened into another room.

Not for the first time since waking up, Kate was completely confused by her surroundings. She stepped into the old familiar office and shut the door behind her. The stained glass lamp sitting on the large wooden desk emitted a soft glow, allowing her to take in the details of the cozy room. An antique globe stood in one corner, a large potted plant resided in another. Floor to ceiling books lined the built in maple shelving on the far wall. Everything from leather bound classics to paperback romances graced the shelves. When her eyes fell on the large set of law books, she stepped forward and reached out to touch their soft bindings, but stopped when the high backed chair behind the desk spun around.

"Captain!" Beckett gasped. "What! I thought...! Am I...? Where are we?"

"No need to call me Captain anymore, Kate. Call me Roy."

"Are we in Heaven?"

The older man, who had a glass of brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other, looked thoughtfully around the room. "I don't think so. You mom had a beautiful office, but I'd hardly call it Heaven."

"But you died! I saw you. I tried to save you but I couldn't. I tried Roy, I really did but there was nothing I could do. You were already gone."

"Thank you, Kate. I know you did everything possible."

"And I was at your funeral. We carried your casket and I was giving your eulogy and then I was..." Kate gasped and grabbed at her chest as she remembered for the first time, the last moments from before everything went black. She didn't feel a hole in her uniform or see blood on her gloves, but she knew she'd been shot.

"How are you feeling?" Roy asked.

"I don't know."

"Are you in pain?"

"No," she replied after a thoughtful pause.

"That's good. Getting shot hurts. It's not something I'd want you to have to keep feeling."

"So I guess that means I'm dead?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't know. All I know is that I've been waiting here for you."

Kate wanted to cry, not for herself but for all those who she left behind. Castle warned her about this. She knew that if something like this ever happened, there were those who loved her that would know the pain of loss like she did. Thinking of Lanie and the guys, and of her dad and Rick, feeling that loss left a burning in her gut, much like the earlier gunshot did.

Captain Montgomery stood up and walked toward his friend. "C'mon. You can't turn back time, so there's no need to beat yourself up over this." He handed her the drink he'd been holding. "Drink this. It will help you relax. Then you can show me around your house."

Kate took the glass and drank deeply. As the golden liquid flowed down her throat, it numbed and soothed her in a way that it never had before, not in her previous life.

"What's in this stuff?" Kate asked, feeling completely refreshed.

"It's not what's in the glass. It's this place, it's unlike anything you've ever know. Now come on, I'd like the grand tour."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Roy opened the other door in the office, the one that opened into the living room, and waited for Kate to go ahead of him. After a moments hesitation, she did just that.

In the large living room there were several overstuffed chairs, a couch, coffee table, TV, fireplace and an old upright piano.

A young man was stretched out on the couch, sound asleep, with a forgotten newspaper draped across his chest and a slim auburn haired girl, who was probably around seven years old, was practicing the piano.

Roy leaned in and spoke to Kate who was watching the younger version of herself. "You were a beautiful little girl Kate. I'm sure you had your dad wrapped around your finger."

Kate smiled knowing there was some truth to that.

Little Kate played the same song over and over again trying to master the piece. Sometimes she got quite far, other times she was restarting after only a few notes.

"I remember that. It was a simplified version of the "Entertainer". My piano teacher gave me a month to learn it, and I was so determined to move on to harder material, that I had it mastered in a week. I spent so many consecutive hours on that one piece, my poor parents must have been ready to kill me," Beckett said quietly to Montgomery. After watching the scene for another moment she asked,"Can they see me?"

"No, this is like The Christmas Carol; we're just looking in on your memories. They have no idea we're here."

Kate moved slowly across the room, until she was standing next to the piano, watching herself struggle with her hand placement and timing.

"Katie, Sweetheart! Are you ready for a break? Mrs. Goldman doesn't expect you to learn that in a day. Here, I brought you a snack," Johanna Beckett said as she entered the room with a plate of sliced apples and peanut butter dip.

"Thanks, Mom. I'll get to it in a minute. I can't stop now. I'm so close!" Little Kate answered.

"Mmm, I've heard that before," Roy said out loud.

Kate rolled her eyes and then sat down on the bench beside herself.

When the youngster failed at yet another attempt of the piece, Kate took the child's hands and placed them back on the keys. "Don't give up," she whispered to the unhearing ears. With her large hands covering the smaller ones, they began the song again from the beginning, playing together as one. Page after page of music flew by without a mistake until soon they'd reached the end.

Seven year old Katie, jumped from the bench, full of youthful excitement. "Dad, Mom! I did it. I played the whole thing!"

Jim chuckled and smiled, but never opened his eyes. "Yes you did Pumpkin, and it sounded wonderful. I think I'll have to call Julliard tomorrow!"

"Daaaaaad," Kate retorted. "I'm not that good. Yet."

Johanna stroked her daughter's hair and handed her the plastic plate of food. "Even Beethoven had to start somewhere. If you want something bad enough, and you really work hard to achieve it, you'll be able to do anything you set your mind to!"

Katie shoved a thick slice of fruit in her mouth and smiled up at her mom. "You know what I want?"

"To learn not to speak with food in your mouth?" her mother asked.

The child chewed quickly and swallowed the apple in a large lump. "I want to play it at my next lesson with Mrs. Goldman, without having to read the music!

Johanna and Jim shared a look over their daughter's head, knowing that they would be hearing the ragtime song a lot over then next few days, but Kate was oblivious and already back at the piano, now attempting to memorize the music one line at a time.

Roy moved toward the open doorway that led into the hall. Catching Kate's eye he nodded, letting her know it was time to move on. She followed him reluctantly, after taking one long look back.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Across the hall from the living room was the dining room. Another Kate was at the table, this one probably around ten years old.

Roy and Kate went to the far side of the table so that they could see what the girl was doing.

Katie Beckett was a mess. The hair in her ponytail was sticking out at all angles, her face and hands were smudged with blood and dirt, her knuckles bruised and swollen, and the elbow of her jean jacket had a gaping hole. She didn't seem to be bothered by her appearance though, instead focusing intently on the bright yellow legal pad in front of her. Carefully she wrote out the same signature over and over again, Johanna M. Beckett.

Montgomery looked from Kate as a girl to Kate as a woman. "What did you do this time?"

Kate grinned sheepishly, "Just wait and see. My mom should be here in just a minute."

As if on cue, the sound of keys unlocking the front door, broke through the silence of the room.

Katie quickly tried to shove the pad of paper into her backpack, but her stiff achy hands slowed her down. Knowing that she'd never get it zipped in time, she chose to try escaping instead. She wasn't fast enough.

"Hey Sweetie! I'm home early, and I brought pizza!" At first Johanna was headed past the dining room to the kitchen, but out of the corner of her eye, she spotted her ragged daughter frozen in place.

"Katherine Elaine Beckett! What happened! Are you OK?"

"I'm fine mom. It's nothing."

Johanna tossed the pizza box and her briefcase on the table and ran to her child. She smoothed back Kate's hair, and inspected her her swollen cheek and hand.

"Fine! FINE? You look like you've been in a fight! Please tell me you weren't in a fight. Tell me you fell off you bike or something."

"Ok, I fell off my bike... or something."

"Don't lie to me Kate."

"I was in a fight. But it's not what you think. Besides, if you think I look bad, you should see Grant Mitchell. He wishes he came out looking this good."

"You fought a boy?"

Katie tried, but couldn't hide her pride. "Yup, an eighth grade boy."

Beckett nudged her Captain. "You should have seen him sir. Not only was he a good four years older than me, but he probably had fifty pounds and a good foot on me too."

Johanna pulled out a chair and sat down so that she could look her daughter in the eyes. "What possessed you to fight him? What he picking on you?"

"No Mom. He was picking on Jamie Webster. He picks on him all the time, just because he stutters. Jamie's been in my class forever, and he's always stuttered, but it's gotten so much better lately. He almost never does it anymore, unless Grant is around. Grant just won't leave him alone, and the more Grant messes with him, the harder it is for Jamie to talk."

Johanna watched her daughter as she spoke and couldn't help but think that they were more alike that she'd prefer sometimes. She knew that like her, Kate wouldn't be able to stand idly by and watch someone get abused.

"So just after I left school, I saw Jamie and Grant at the corner, and Grant was tearing into him. Jamie was trying not to cry but then Grant pushed him and told him to speak up or he'd make sure he'd never speak again. I just snapped, Mom. Jamie didn't deserve to be treated like that and was beyond the point of fighting back. So I just ran up to Grant and punched him in the mouth. It hurt my hand, but boy did it feel good!"

Young Kate suddenly became animated as she got into the story.

"Grant never saw me coming and was stunned for a second, but then just started swinging all over the place, but I'm fast and missed most of his punches. Then Jamie joined in. It was like he couldn't defend himself but he could defend me! The next thing I know, Mr. Vaughn, our gym teacher was pulling us all apart. You should have seen Grant's face when he realized a girl took him out."

For Mrs. Beckett it was one of those times as a parent when you're torn between being proud of your child and angry at them at the same time.

"Does this mean you've been suspended?"

"Nope! It didn't happen on school property, so technically none of us got in trouble. But Mr. Vaughn did write letters for all of us to bring to our parents to sign and bring back, so he knows you're aware of the situation."

Johanna held her hand out. "Let me see it."

Katie reached into her backpack for the long white envelope, and ended up pulling out the legal pad full of forgeries with it.

"Katherine!" Johanna scolded as she scooped up the tablet. "You were going to forge my name?"

For the first time, Kate was actually remorseful and hung her head. "I didn't think it was such a big deal. The school wasn't going to contact you, and I was doing the right thing. I was afraid you wouldn't understand and I'd get grounded. I didn't want to miss going to Opening Day with Dad next week."

"Come here Kate," her mother said.

Kate sat down in her mom's lap for the first time in years. Her mom just pulled her close and began to talk.

"I want you to know, that I'm not happy with you fighting. Physical violence never solves problems. But what upsets me more is that you were not only going to lie to your teacher by signing my name, but that you were going to hide something this important from you father and I. The truth can never hurt you. Your dad and I would support you. I understand about fighting for the underdog. I do it everyday and I can't tell you how proud I feel to know that you're prepared to defend those who can't defend themselves. If more people had that attitude, our world may not be the place it is today. But you need to figure out the best way to do that, and not with your fists. You need to go through the proper channels and get help from those in authority. Do you understand?"

"Yes Mom."

Johanna quickly read over the letter that was sent home and signed it. "I'm not going to ground you this time. I have a feeling the way that hand is swelling, that you'll be learning your lesson about fighting for a couple more days. But promise me that next time you find yourself in a tough situation that you come to Dad or me, or a teacher or police officer or someone. You don't have to fight these battles alone." Johanna paused to make sure Kate was really understanding what she was telling her. "Now let's get some ice on you before you swell up any more."

Young Beckett dutifully followed her mom out of the room.

Roy placed a protective arm around Kate. "You mom was a very wise woman. I see a lot of her in you."

Kate unsuccessfully tried to blink back a tear and then ended up swatting it away with the back of her hand.

"Do you know what ever happened to those boys?" he asked her.

"At first Jamie was kinda mad at me, or maybe embarrassed by me fighting for him, but he got over it pretty quick when he realized that no one knew about it. Grant certainly wasn't going to tell the school he had his ass handed to him by a fourth grade girl. By that summer, he became my first boyfriend, that is if you count watching Yankee games on TV and reading "Choose Your Own Adventure Books", dating. But he was also my first kiss. At the end of the summer, his dad got transferred upstate though and I've never seen him in person since, just on TV and billboards at election time."

"Are you saying that little Jamie Webster is now Senator James Webster?"

"One in the same."

"And Grant the bully?"

"Now it's Dr. Grant Mitchell, pediatric surgeon at Mt. Sinai. I actually ran into him a couple years ago while checking on a victim in one of my cases. He actually thanked me for bringing him down a peg. He said it was the last fight he'd ever been in. Apparently high school was good for him. He graduated Valedictorian, double majored at NYU and later got into a top med school."

"Funny how things work out, isn't?" Roy asked.

"Yeah, it is. Let's keep going."

This time Kate led the way out of the room, and down the hall to the kitchen.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The smell of ham frying met Beckett and Montgomery as they entered the next room. It was dark outside and the only light that was on in the kitchen, was in the hood over the stove. The counter radio was quietly playing a Matchbox 20 song that Kate was singing along too. Her hair was pulled into a messy knot on top of her head and she was wearing a Greenday T shirt, flannel boxer shorts and toe socks.

Seventeen year old Kate Beckett moved effortlessly around the kitchen, preparing the eggs and hash browns as naturally as if she'd been born cooking. English muffins popped up in the toaster just as she finished making the creamy Hollandaise sauce. Soon she was placing all the food together on one dish, making a perfect plate of Eggs Benedict. After putting the plate on the table and pouring 2 large mugs of coffee, Kate ran out of the kitchen for a moment before returning with the morning paper which she placed next to the steaming breakfast. Then she sat down in front of the second coffee cup and waited.

She didn't have to wait long though, because almost immediately the sound of footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs.

When Jim Beckett entered the kitchen in his slippers and thick blue robe, he stopped dead in his tracks and appraised the situation.

"You're up early this morning. I didn't think you had to be up for school for another hour."

"I don't. I just thought that with mom gone at the conference all week, you might appreciate some company this morning."

"Well Honey, I always love your company, but you didn't have to make me Eggs Benedict just to spend time with me." Jim shuffled over to his seat and took a long drink from the steaming mug.

"But they're your favorite, and I just though that maybe it would be a nice surprise!"

Jim put the mug down and looked at his daughter. The polite chitchat was over. It was time to cut to the chase. "What do you want, Katherine?"

Kate began to make an excuse, but her Dad saw through her and leveled her with a look that told her to get to the point.

"I want a motorcycle!"

Jim threw his head back and laughed. "That's a good one. I get it, ask for something ridiculous first and then your real request won't seem so absurd. What do you really want?"

Kate's face fell. "I want a motorcycle. I've had my license for over a year now and still don't have my own wheels. A car is expensive, so I thought a motorcycle was a good alternative."

"What do you need your own vehicle for? We live in New York City, public transportation will get you anywhere you want to go."

"Dad do you know how much time I could save with a motorcycle? Waiting for buses and trains and cabs take hours out of my day. Do you know how many times I've been late to work because the buses run late? It's not like I can get out of school any earlier!"

Jim picked up his fork and tasted his food for the first time. "Mmmm, delicious! You've turned into a great chef. Remind me to thank your mom for teaching you to cook."

"Stop changing topics, Dad. I'm serious about this. I've already got the money saved, and Nick has been teaching me on his bike."

The look of contempt that crossed Jim's face told Kate she'd gone too far. Her father already disliked her boyfriend, why she thought that telling him they rode his bike together, was a good idea, she'd never know.

"I'm assuming that by coming to me with the bribe means you think I'm an easier nut to crack than your mother."

"It's not that. I just thought you'd understand! I know you had a motor bike when you were my age. I've seen the pictures."

"That was different." Jim rubbed his face with his hands, trying to figure out what to do.

"Why? Because I'm a girl?"

Jim looked up immediately. "No Katherine. Not because you're a girl. Because it was a different word thirty years ago. Because I was living in a rural upstate farming town, not New York City. Because at the time I didn't have any other options!"

Kate looked deflated.

Jim ate his breakfast in silence.

Adult Kate sat down at the table next to her father, but then looked up at Roy. "I still can't believe he changed his mind. I've always thought that he figured my mom would veto it and then he wouldn't have to be the bad guy."

Montgomery smiled because he'd been in similar situations with his own kids.

After taking his last bite of food, Jim put his fork down and sat back to just stare at Kate. The clock in the hall ticked loudly as time passed.

"I suppose if I tell you no or to wait a couple more months until you're eighteen, you'll just go out and get one without us knowing, like you did with that tattoo of yours."

Mortified, the teen pulled her shirt lower of her behind. "How did you know about that?"

"Ahhh Katie, these things always have a way of being found out. This time it was when you went swim suit shopping last month with Mom. When you showed her one of them, she saw it sticking up over the material."

Kate's face turned completely red. She had no idea her parents knew. They'd never said anything. "Are you angry, Daddy?"

"I can't say that I'm pleased to know my little girl has a rose on her rear end, but what am I going to do about it? What's done is done. You're a teen. It's your job to rebel and explore the limits. I'm just glad it's nothing worse. As much as I'd love to pack you up and send you off to the nunnery at times, your mother would never let me hear the end of it, so I just stick it out and pray that the rest of your teen years pass uneventfully."

Now Kate was beginning to feel a nagging guilt over other things she'd done that perhaps her parents knew about. She was definitely starting to regret even asking about the bike. This wasn't going at all like she planned.

Jim took one last drink of coffee before standing. "You say you have the money?"

The teen was completely taken back by the change in her father's tone. She nodded her head wildly.

"If you can pay for it completely out of your own money... gas, repairs, insurance, _helmet_, everything, and if you take a safety course and get your motorcycle license, and most importantly, if your mother OK's it, then it's OK with me."

Kate flew into her father's arms. "Thank you Daddy! I promise I'll be really careful and take good care of it! I won't let you down."

"I know that Katie. If I didn't, I wouldn't have said yes."

"I've been eying an almost new Harley soft tail down at Benson's. Will you come with me after school to check it out?"

Jim couldn't help but smile. "We're just looking, not buying."

"I know!" Kate answered expectantly.

"How about I leave work a little early, pick you at school and then we can go look at it."

"After that, lets go grab some dinner at the Golden Dragon. My treat!"

He nodded and gave his not so little girl a big hug.

Jim kept his arm around Kate's shoulders as the pair left the room to begin getting ready for their day.

Roy clamped his hand on Beckett's shoulder. "Your father is a lot more understanding than I am. I don't think I would be nearly so calm if one of my girls wanted a motorcycle or secretly got a tattoo."

Kate turned and stood up again.

"My Dad is a good man. I wish we hadn't lost so much of the time we had together these last years, isolated by our own grief. I can only imagine what he's going through now that I'm gone too. I was shot right in front of him."

"Something tells me that he and Castle will console each other in whatever happens."

"They don't even know each other."

"So neither one of them told you?"

"What are you talking about Roy?"

"The night I called Castle to meet me at the hanger. I told him everything and I told him that I needed him to protect you because I couldn't anymore. His answer was that a lot of people seemed to be asking him to do that these days. Then he told me that your Dad went to him earlier in the week and told him how afraid he was for you, and that he knew the only one who could save you was Rick."

Kate was stunned. "That's why he came to my apartment. He was just doing what my Dad asked him to do. I thought that he... I thought it was him that was scared of losing me."

"Don't sell him short Kate. You know Castle. You know how he felt. And you know that he was just as scared for you as I was and your dad was. In some ways he had even more to lose. But he would rather lose his heart than to lose you."

"Now he's lost both," Kate said quietly. "Now both Rick and my Dad will live knowing they couldn't save me from myself."

"You're thinking too hard about this. None of this is your fault, and right now there's nothing we can change. Let's just keep going. Someone else will be waiting for you soon."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Together Roy and Kate climbed the stairway in the hall. When they reached the upper level, several closed doors surrounded the landing. One was plastered with yellow crime scene tape, a Yankee's pennant, a poster of the Saved By The Bell Cast, a neon bumper sticker that said "Boy Crazy" and a hanger on the door knob that said "Enter at your own risk!".

As they headed in the direction of that particular door, Roy piped up, "Let me guess. This must be your Dad's office."

Beckett laughed. "Hardly. I think after I hit thirteen he probably only stepped foot in here like three times. Oh, and I have no idea what it look like in here, so excuse the mess."

She turned the knob as she spoke and slowly opened the door. The room was completely dark. The shades were pulled and not a single light was on. At first they thought that maybe the room was empty, but then the soft snoring coming from the bed told them otherwise.

Kate went over to her desk and pulled out the chair, offering it to Roy. He sat down and she leaned on the wall waiting for whatever flashback from her life would come next.

Eventually the bedroom door opened again and this time Johanna entered. She immediately went to the window and the french doors and opened all the blinds and curtains. Bright sunlight which reflected off the white snow outside, streamed in, illuminating the entire room. Kate moaned and buried herself deeper under the covers.

Johanna walked around the room picking up stray items of clothes and threw them on top of the open suitcase in the closet.

When the room was tidy, she went and sat on her daughter's bed and patted her back. "Kate Honey, I know it's your first day home on Christmas break but don't you think it's time to get up?"

"Can't I sleep until at least nine?"

"Sweetie, nine was three hours ago. It's past noon."

"Really?"

"Yes really, and I took today off so that we could spent some time together. I've missed you."

Kate finally sat up. Her hair stuck out in every direction and she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. "Mom, I see you every two weeks when I bring home laundry."

"True, but the whole time you're hear, you're usually either studying or on the phone. It's been a long time since we just spent the day together."

Kate stretched and threw back the blankets. "Fine. I'm up. But I'm going to need coffee before I can do anything else."

"How about, you get dressed and we can stop for coffee on our way out? I was thinking maybe we could head to Rockefeller Center for some ice skating and then do a little Christmas shopping." Kate's mom was already in the closet pulling out a red turtleneck and brown leggings. When she stepped back out, she tossed them on the bed

Kate looked in the mirror. "I cannot leave looking like this. Have you seen my hair?"

Johanna grabbed a hairbrush and some elastic bands from the dresser. "Come sit next to me on the bed. I'll braid your hair for you like when you were a little girl."

Kate wanted to argue but couldn't when she saw the excitement in her mother's eyes. "On one condition Mom."

"What is it?"

"Tonight when Dad comes home, we put on some Christmas music, make cocoa and decorate the tree."

Johanna's smile was radiant. "You drive a hard bargain counselor, but I think we can agree to your terms."

After Kate's hair was done, she grabbed her clothes and headed for the bathroom to finish getting ready.

Johanna lagged behind, while she took a long look around the room. She picked up a stuffed elephant from the bed and hugged it close before speaking aloud to no one in particular. "My little girl is all grown up. Before I know it, she'll get married and have kids. Where does the time go?"

Kate left the Captain's side and reached out to touch her mom, but she never felt her.

Johanna put the toy back before leaving the room, leaving Kate and Montgomery alone again.

"Three weeks later on the last weekend of winter break, she was killed. That was the last time we ever had a girl's day out."

"I bet these happy memories are what kept you going sometimes," Roy stated quietly.

"All the time."

For a long while neither of them spoke. Kate walked around her old room inspecting things, recalling other memories, but never talking. Roy allowed her the space and time she needed, knowing that soon enough she'd be ready to move on.

When she finally did say something, it wasn't what he expected. "Roy I wanna go back! Every time we go somewhere new, we go forward in time. If we go forward again she'll be gone."

"We can't go back Kate. We can only go forward."

"No! I won't go. I've lived that already. It took years to come to terms with her death. If I walk into a new room, my mom is dead and my dad might as well be. Do you know how long it took for him to sober up and be the man I needed him to be?"

"So are you saying that after your mom died, there was nothing left in you life worth living for?"

"No. It's just that those scars have started to heal. I don't want to rip them open again."

"Even if we could go back to that time when you were little and playing the piano, could you live in that moment forever and still be happy? How long would that be enough?"

Beckett couldn't answer. She didn't know what to say because she didn't like any of the answers.

Instead, she went back to her bedroom door and walked out into the hall. But instead of seeing the upstairs of her childhood home, she only saw inky, consuming black. In every direction it was the same. No matter how hard she walked or ran, it was always black except for the doorway leading back into her room.

Finally she went went back in and laid on her bed. Neither she or Roy spoke for a long time.

At one point, Kate thought she heard music coming from somewhere but couldn't place it. She cocked her head and listened intently but it was already gone.

More time passed before she sat up.

"You can't take me back? Even for a little while?"

"I can't do anything Kate. I'm just along for the ride."

"I don't know what to do, Roy."

"There's only one thing to do, Kate. You pick yourself up and move on."

Another long time passed.

"Where do I go next? When I went in the hall there was nothing left."

"Then find a new door."

The door to the hall was still open and had nothing but desolate void beyond it. The door to her closet stood open and went nowhere either. The only door left was the set of french doors leading out onto the snow white balcony.

With one last look, Kate moved to the door, turned the handle and stepped out into the light. When she looked back to see if Montgomery was close behind her, there was nothing there. No door, no room, no Roy.


	2. Part 2

Part 2

"Roy!" Kate shouted into the light.

Nothing.

"Captain Montgomery!" She yelled again.

Still no response.

"Don't leave me alone Roy! Don't do this! I don't want to do this alone again!" Her plea became a sob.

"Don't worry Kid! You aren't alone."

Kate's head snapped up. "Mike?"

"At your service, M'lady!"

As the tears in Beckett's eyes dried, the white light surrounding her became a long corridor. At what could be the opposite end of it, was a black speck.

"Where are you?" Kate asked.

"Down here, waiting for you."

Kate started walking toward the speck, each step causing the noise of her shoes hitting the tile floor to echo down the long hall.

Soon her steps became a run and before long, a full sprint. The harder she ran, the larger the speck became until she could make out the outline of a man leaning against the wall.

Before long it became evident that the man was indeed Mike Royce.

Kate kept running, straight into his open arms. The long run should have left her breathless and tired, but instead she was invigorated.

After stepping away, Kate looked back down the hall expecting to see the other end several hundred yards away, but instead it was only a few feet away. The hall was no longer a hall, but more like a large closet.

Before Kate could ask about it, Royce put his hand at the small of her back and guided her toward another door.

XXXXXXXXXXX

When the door was open Kate looked into the next room but couldn't really make out what was in the next space.

Mike held the door open for her for a while before waving her though. "Ladies first."

"Oh no. Not this time. The last doorway I walked through, Captain Montgomery disappeared. Let's do this one together."

Beckett took her training officer's hand in hers and together they walked into a dimly lit storage facility.

It looked much like the Police Department's evidence lock up or the old file archives, but it was about ten times too big. The shelves were twice as high as they should be. The aisles three times as long. And it seemed to go forever in every direction.

Mike looked around and let out a low whistle. "I knew you spent more time in these places that you let on, but if we're here now, you must have been here more than I could ever imagine. And something tells me it was almost always for the same case."

"I needed resolution and she deserved more than just being brushed aside, lost in a stack of lies."

"Did you ever find what you were looking for?"

"Some."

"Does it help to know?" Royce watched her intently with his arms folded over his chest and an eyebrow cocked. "Did the answers bring you the comfort you were searching for or were some of the answers more painful than the questions?"

Kate became defensive, poking her finger into his chest as she spoke. "Don't you start Mike! You've never held me back from trying to find out the truth. You never offered platitudes or false hope. And you never tried to save me from myself. Now it's too late to save me, so don't start all that psychology. Did I find all the answers? No. There's so much more to know. And did sticking my nose into places where people didn't want me, pull a few skeletons out of the closet? You bet. But if I had to, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat."

Kate couldn't tell if Mike was satisfied by her answer or if he just didn't feel like sparing, but either way he let it drop.

"Now do we have rooms to look through or something?" Kate asked.

"I have no idea what we're supposed to see." Royce looked down several aisles, before he came across anything. "There's a table down here with a lamp on it. Maybe it will tell us something."

When they got to the table there was a clipboard with a stack of forms attached to it. On the top form there was a list of three codes; all the other papers were blank.

"These are I.D. numbers for evidence boxes. I'm guessing this is where we need to look," Royce stated as he removed the top sheet. "EN4-6832, that's this way."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Beckett followed Mike for several minutes before they found the right spot. He grabbed a nearby ladder and retrieved the large cardboard box from above their heads, and handed it down to her.

She put it on the floor, sat down next to it and broke the tape keeping it closed.

By the time he was sitting next to her, the lid was off and she was taking a handful of items out. There was her NYC Police Department Cadet patch, a police radio, a small black leather notebook, and the picture Mike had taken of her on the first day they worked together..

Royce picked up the picture first. "Do you remember why I took this picture?"

"You said that Rookies always start out smiling, but that by the end of my training I might have forgotten how, and with a smile like that, it would be a shame."

Mike nodded thoughtfully. "You proved me wrong kid. You took everything I threw at you and not only came out better for it, but you were still smiling."

"What can I say, you were a great FTO."

"I might have trained you, but I was never really an FTO. I got busted for being insubordinate to my supervising officer. He thought that maybe if I had someone under me for a while, I'd learn what it was like to not get the respect I thought I deserved. He never counted on me getting you. I was supposed to get some kid that ended up dropping out of the academy two days before graduating."

Kate leaned back against the giant shelf or identical boxes. "So that's why we stayed together after my field training was over. I always wondered how we were able to become partners. I knew most rookies got new assignments, but I was happy with the situation and wasn't about to question it."

"I don't know why you'd want to stay with an old dog like me. I wasn't that good to you."

"It wasn't your job to babysit, it was to train me to be the best cop I could be."

"But admit it, you were pretty mad that time I sent you chasing though the alleys after a perp that never existed. You were "hot on his trail" for ten blocks before I caught up with you and told you I made him up."

"I was pissed. I wanted revenge so bad, but there was nothing I could do."

"You got me good though without ever trying, Kate. It couldn't have been more than what, a week or two later when we had that real slow patrol and I just told you tall tale after tall tale for hours?"

"And I was naive enough to believe all of them. Despite being pissed at you, you were already my hero."

"I thought for sure you hadn't been paying attention to where we were. Hell, we weren't even in our patrol area anymore. So I though I could teach you another lesson. I pulled over out of nowhere and ran into another dark alley, yelling for you to call for back up. I thought you'd be stunned and lost and not call anything in. That's what happened when my FTO did it to me. I took it to heart and always paid attention to where I was after that."

"Too bad for you I'd practically memorized every street and subway in New York. The shit really hit the fan when back up arrived and you didn't need it."

"I was on probation for a year for that stunt. I'm just glad I wasn't suspended."

Royce put the photo back in the box while Kate fingered the patch. "That seems like a lifetime ago. I guess in a lot of ways, it was."

"It was a life worth living. You did a lot of good. The streets of New York are a lot safer because of you."

Kate only shrugged.

"Sorry if that's not much of a consolation. I'm not very good with words."

This made Kate smile. "You? Not good with words?" Beckett put the patch and radio back in the box next to the picture and picked up the notebook. "Mike, do you know what this is?"

"An investigation notebook?"

Kate started flipping through the pages while they talked. "Yes, but this one in particular is the one I carried with me all though my training. Not only is it full of good advice, and probably some notable anecdotes which probably turned out to be not much more than myths and urban legends, it's full of your quotes."

"You should burn that. It might get me in trouble!"

"No way. Sometimes I still flip through this when I'm on a rough case." Kate stopped speaking and frowned. "Well, at least I did."

Mike reached out and nudged Kate's chin with his knuckle. "You're not forgetting how to smile are you? You made it through years with me... if you can do that, you can get through this."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Right. After that, anything's possible."

"That's my girl. Now Kid, are you going to tell me what kind of shit I spewed that you were so impressed with, that you had to immortalize it on paper?"

Beckett quickly skimmed a few more pages before finding some of her favorite "Royce-isms".

"Here we go... ten minutes into my first ride along and you give me this gem, 'Kid, I hope you're ready to accept criticism. You have no idea what you are doing, so you are going to do it wrong. Don't take it personal when I correct you, that's my job. Yours is to learn and make mistakes now while you still have someone to bail you out.'"

Royce chuckled. "That was actually pretty good advice. Who knew?"

"That same day you said this, 'Two things you need to know, 1:Know your patrol area and 2: Know your radio codes. You might be freakin' Dick Tracy, Joe Friday, Dirty Harry and Sherlock Holmes all wrapped up in one, but if you don't know where you are and can't communicate, you aren't worth shit to anyone.' I knew my codes already so that night and every other night for weeks after getting off my shift, I would go home and study every map, tourist guide, and subway leaflet I could get my hands on, so that I could identify any street or landmark I came across."

"Well that one really came back to bite me in the ass, didn't it?"

"It was a smart thing to tell me. Castle and I quiz each other all this time when we're out. He's getting really good. I definitely wouldn't tell him to call for back up unless I needed it."

"We both know that if you needed back up, he wouldn't think about calling for help, he'd just follow you into the fire, and back you up himself." Mike answered.

"He does tend to live by another one of my favorite Royce quotes."

"And which one is that?"

"Never knock on DEATH's door. Ring the bell and run like hell. He hate's that!"

Royce threw his head back and laughed. "Oh my gosh, I totally forgot about that one. They should have put that on my headstone."

Kate smiled but couldn't muster a laugh. She'd lost too much in too little time to joke about it yet. Instead she closed the little notepad and placed it back in the box.

As soon as her fingers left the leather cover, all the items faded and disappeared. Maybe it should have surprised her, but it didn't. Instead she just put the lid back on the box and stood. "I guess it's time to move on."

XXXXXXXXXXX

When Mike took the paper from his pocket and looked at the list of numbers, the one they already found had been erased. The next one was JA7-1006.

Together they headed off in search of the next box. Twice, Kate again thought she heard music playing somewhere, but Mike never acknowledged it so she didn't say anything.

There was no way to tell how much time passed as they wondered through the unit, but it seemed like they passed a hundred aisles before coming to the correct one.

This time, the box they were searching for was on the lowest level. Kate pulled it out and again sat on the floor to open it.

This box contained a microphone, a lighter, a pair of pink stilettos, a bar napkin and a journal.

Kate knew what was at the end of this memory lane and groaned. She tried to replace the lid on the box, but Mike's quick reflexes halted her attempt.

"No way, Princess. The karaoke stakeout was priceless." Mike removed the shoes, lighter and microphone and was reaching for the journal when Kate snatched it out of his reach.

Royce offered Kate the mic and shoes, "Wanna sing me a song? You know, for old times sake?"

"No, I do not."

"C'mon. Are you sure you don't want to resurrect Kat Flynn for an exclusive performance? I'll sing with you." Royce's deep gravely voice belted out into the silence. "Cuz I'm just a girl, little 'ol me, well don't let me out of your sight..."

Beckett used the book in her hand as a weapon, smacking her friend's arm until he stopped.

"What! You shouldn't be embarrassed! If you hadn't mesmerized the guys at that club that week, we never would have been able to sneak around and get what we needed."

"I wasn't suppose to sing all week! I was supposed to sing one song on one night!"

"Can I help it that you got three standing ovations on the first night alone? Or that they begged you to come back day after day? They loved you! You were water to a thirsty crowd. It was a perfect cover."

"Well I'm glad we were able to bust the Pastorri Brothers, but you could have let me know that night when it went down instead of letting me keep singing for another hour and a half!"

"Hey I tried to get your attention, but by then you were too far in. You loved singing and you loved the attention! I would have had to go up on stage and throw you over my shoulder to get you away from that mic." Royce grabbed the lighter, flicked it on and swayed it over his head while he chuckled at her expense.

"I'm sure you could have thought of something more subtle than that. You certainly didn't need to sit down, order a drink and watch me."

"I was off duty, it had been a long week. Watching you was... refreshing."

Satisfied to let Royce have the last word, Kate tossed the items back in the box, replaced the tape and put it back on the shelf.

"Where to now?" Beckett asked.

Mike pulled out the paper again, but the current box number was still there. "I don't think we're done yet, Kid. The number didn't disappear. Are the things still in the box?"

Kate opened it back up. Sure enough everything was just as it was a minute before.

"In the last box, it all went away after putting the notebook in. Try taking out the journal and putting it back again."

She did. Nothing.

"Maybe you have to read from the journal first?" he suggested.

Kate flipped it open to the page where a red ribbon marked the page and read the entry to herself, a small smile unconsciously forming on her lips. After finishing, she placed the book back in the box and waited for something to happen. Still nothing.

She looked over at her mentor and raised her eyebrows. "Maybe nothing happens this time. Let's just keep going."

"It doesn't work like that. We need closure here first or there won't be anything at the next box."

"Well then what am I supposed to do?"

"You could try reading the journal out loud," he suggested.

"Oh no. I don't think that's necessary." Kate's grip on the book tightened until her knuckles turned white.

"I think it might be."

"These are my personal thought and feelings, Royce. They weren't meant to be shared."

"It may be the only way. Besides you shouldn't be afraid to open up to someone you really trust and care about."

Mike's words struck a chord with her, on several levels. She frowned and concentrated intently on her finger nails to avoid having to acknowledge that.

"Fine. If that's what it takes. Let me find something a little less... personal."

"Suit yourself."

She flipped through the pages of the journal but all of them were blank, except the ones at the bookmark. She had no choice. They both knew it.

Kate took a deep breath of resolution and then looked up to the man with her. "Promise me that..."

"Don't worry Kid. Look around. Who' would I tell?"

After another deep breath, she finally began to read aloud the words she'd written so long ago.

"May 16, Today we took down a group of brothers responsible for human trafficking. I can't say that I saw much of the action and I didn't actually make any arrests, but I was a part of it. It was the first time I've been a part of something big. Not that traffic stops and keeping the peace aren't important, but this just feels more important. This is my calling. I want to really help people so that they don't become victims like my mom. Next time I just need to make sure I'm actually in on the action. Seeing Lt. Royce swagger around at the end of the night makes me think that there's a huge emotional payout when you can bring slime like this to justice."

Kate stopped reading and looked up to see his brown eyes watching her closely.

"Speaking of Royce. I'm pissed at him. After everything is all said and done I found out that he let me stay undercover, singing karaoke for over an hour after my cover was no longer needed. Instead he pulled up a chair and watched. I saw him there, but thought that he was still waiting for the drop. Little did I know he was just enjoying the show. I wish I could just wipe that smug, sexy grin from his face once and for all."

Kate closed the diary again and tossed it in the box. Immediately it was gone along with everything else.

"And how exactly would you have wiped my smug sexy grin away, Detective?"

She completely ignored his bait. "So can we hit the next box now?

A quick look at the paper confirmed that they were now down to the final reference. "Indeed we can."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next carton was much easier to find, and in a quite convenient location. Not only was it along the very last aisle but there was a table near by.

When the contents were all removed, they found themselves looking at a standard police issued flashlight, a metal bank box full of papers, a silver flask and a bulging file folder.

Mike picked up the box and glanced through the assortment of random looking papers inside. "I don't remember this. Was this from a case we worked?"

"Not one you worked. Most of it's from my Mom's case."

"Oh."

Kate carefully picked up the thick manilla file folder, opened it and studied the stack of police reports, crime scene photos, autopsy results, and arrest warrants that threatened to spill onto the floor.

"You found all this while we were partners and didn't tell me?"

"No, this took years to accumulate. Look, some of these reports were dated in the last couple weeks."

She handed him several papers. He read them over quickly. "McCallister and Raglan? I knew these guys. I thought you said you shot the guy who killed you mom."

"They didn't do it, but they were involved, along with others." Kate didn't tell him about the Captain. He died a hero and she wouldn't tarnish that even now.

"So this box is telling the story of your drive to solve your mother's murder."

"You'd think that, wouldn't you? But it's not. It's the story of my relationship with Roy Montgomery."

Royce cocked his head and questioned her with his eyes but never put his questions into words.

The first time I met him, he'd just made Captain, and was the new head of the homicide department at the 12th. He wanted to be well informed with what his department had been doing and came down to archives to catch up on some recent files and cold cases." Even as Kate spoke, she wondered if what she remembered, what she'd believed at the time, was the actual truth. There was a fair chance that what he was really doing down there more cover up. "Anyway, I wasn't really supposed to be down there and he found me going through this box of stuff from my mom's case, armed only with a flashlight and my notebook. I told him who I was and what I was doing and fully expected to get into trouble. But instead of blowing the whistle on me, he told me to make sure I put everything back where I found it when I was done and wished me luck before leaving."

"I bet that was right before I heard that he was looking to bring you onto his team."

"You jumped on that didn't you? You finished your time as a training officer and even kept me on with you for another year for good measure, but when the time was right, you passed me on."

"Kate, look at me. I never passed you on. When I heard about your opportunity, I knew that's where you needed to be. You were special. You have a gift. I also knew that if I didn't sign my retirement papers that you wouldn't take the position. You were loyal to a fault."

"It wasn't all loyalty Mike."

"I know. I felt it too. That's another reason why we needed to go our separate ways. I wouldn't have been any good for you."

"Well thanks for making that decision for both of us," came Kate's sharp retort.

"It never would have worked and we both know it. I cared and you cared but it wasn't enough. I'm sure it would have been great while it lasted, but it wouldn't have lasted long. Besides you had to focus on your career at that point and I was done. I did my time and fulfilled my duty. It was time for you to stand on your own."

Kate shrugged.

"Can you tell me homicide wasn't where you belonged?"

"No. You were right. Homicide was a perfect fit for me."

"And I knew the Captain would do good by you. I didn't really know him very well, but I always respected Montgomery. Word was that he was a straight shooter who always watched out for his men, and, uh, women."

"All the way til his last breath."

In an act of support, Mike patted her back.

Quickly she pulled herself together before her walls began to crumble. "Do you think I'm going to have to read all this evidence to complete this box?"

"I would hope not."

Beckett pushed the file aside and picked up the bank box, but when she did, a page that had been stuck to the bottom, fluttered down to the table top. Before she picked it up, she knew what it was. She recognized the signature on the bottom.

"What's that?" Royce asked.

"It's one of the releases Castle had to sign to be allowed to follow me. I was livid that Montgomery would allow that, but at the time he said his hands were tied, because it was what the Mayor wanted. Not too long ago I found out that he had the power to bring it to an end at any time, but didn't because he thought Castle was good for me."

"You don't like it when people do things for you that they think is in your best interest do you?"

"Not unless I agree."

"And was Montgomery right? Was Castle good for you?"

"Yes he was."

Emotions that Kate didn't want to deal with at the moment began suffocating her. Quickly she grabbed all the items and papers from the table and tossed them into the cardboard carton. In a blink it was all gone.

A few feet away, a steel door stood with an emergency exit sign glowing over it.

Kate walked over to it and Royce followed.

"If I go through this door, will you be coming with me?"

"Something tells me this is goodbye."

"Oh."

Mike opened his arms and Kate stepped into the embrace.

When they finally said goodbye, Kate reached out to touch the cool metal door, but he stopped her.

"Before you go, I have to ask, did you get my letter?"

"Yeah. My friend Lanie was the ME on duty and found it in your pocket."

"And?"

"Don't worry, there were no hard feelings on my side. We all make mistakes sometimes. I'm just glad you understood that I did what I had to do."

"Of course you did. I expected nothing less, but that wasn't what I was asking about. Did you and Castle ever come clean to each other?"

Kate bit her lip and looked away. "I waited too long," she whispered.

"I'm sorry, Kid. I really am."

"Me too Mike. Me too."

Before the tears began to fall, Kate wrapped her arms around Royce for one last quick hug, and then plowed through the door before he could say anything more.


	3. Part 3 & eplilogue

Part 3

Going from the darkness of the storage facility into the bright sunshine had a blinding effect on Kate.

When she could finally open her eyes completely, she found herself across the street from the 12th. All around her, people hustled and bustled as they went about their day.

Assuming that the precinct was her next destination, she glanced quickly at the traffic before stepping off the curb to cross the intersection. Seemingly out of nowhere, a red mustang came speeding down the street. Kate reacted immediately but didn't have time to get out the way. She was going to be hit.

In the half second before impact, she braced herself and heard a scream that she assumed was her own, but then nothing happened. The car passed completely through her without stopping or slowing. Then she remembered, that although she was there, she wasn't really there.

A woman dashed toward her. "Are you OK! Are you hurt!"

Kate, sprinted out of the road and shielded her eyes to see who was approaching.

When recognition hit, it was as if the car actually had struck her. "Mom?"

Johanna and Kate ran to each other's open arms and held each other for a long time. Both women wept and laughed and wept some more.

Eventually Johanna stepped back so that Kate was at arm's length. "Look at you. My baby is a police officer! I always knew you were meant to protect the people. I couldn't figure out why you wanted to study design, but I was just your mother, what did I know?"

"I'm a cop because of you mom."

"Because you wanted to help the helpless like I did?" Johanna's face was glowing with love and pride, but Kate's face fell.

"Not really. At least not at first. I joined the academy to find out what really happened with your murder. And if I were to be completely honest to get justice and, and... revenge on whoever took you from me."

"Oh Katie."

"Don't worry mom, as I grew up, I grew into the job and now I'm one of the top homicide detectives in the entire city. And even though I still seek answers from your case. It isn't what drives my work anymore. Now I'm the cop you'd be proud of."

"Of course I'm proud of you, Punkin. I've never doubted that whatever you grew up to do, you would do it to the very best of you abilities. That's just who you are."

Kate fell into her mom's arms again, while tears streamed down her face.

"Mom, I've missed you so much."

"Oh Sweetheart, I can only imagine what all these years have been like for you. Which reminds me, what year is it? How much time has passed?"

The young woman tried to compose herself again. "It's 2011. It's been over 12 years."

"And your father?"

"He's doing OK. It took a while. He tried to drown his sorrows for a few years, but he was able to work though that. He's been sober for a long time, but he still misses you."

"That poor man. Jim was such a good husband and father. And now..." Johanna let the words fade before she said any more. "I know what it means if we're together. What happened Kate? Did something happen in the line of duty?"

"Yes and no. A sniper got me while I was giving the eulogy at my boss' funeral. We've been working on your case and so much has come out. Everyone involved or who knows too much becomes a problem and gets eliminated. I was got too close."

"I don't understand. Why would people get killed because of my murder?"

"Your death was part of something huge. Something almost no one knew about and those who did know, have spent their lives covering it up. We still don't know the scope of it, but we keep finding new pieces that we try to fit into the puzzle." Kate paused a moment and looked at her mom who was still wearing the clothes she was killed in. She had spend so many hours staring at the crime scene photos, that it was a bit eerie to see her now looking much the same except without the pool of blood and pallor of death. "Do you know who killed you or why, Mom?"

"No, I never saw it coming. I was working on a couple projects at the time, and that night I went to check out the crime scene of one of my clients. Before I knew what happened, it was all over."

Kate continued to ask her mom questions, but wasn't able to find out anything new.

"Thanks for telling me. I know I can't work the case anymore, but I just feel like we were so close, that I still can't let it drop."

"You've never been one to give up. Do you remember when you were taking piano lessons when you were little and learned "The Entertainer" in one night because that's what you set your mind too?"

She chuckled. "Actually, I do."

Recalling that memory just a little while ago with Montgomery at her side reminded her that they were practically standing in front of the 12th. "Hey Mom, would you like to see where I worked?"

"Are we close?"

Kate looked up at the familiar building next to them. "Couldn't be much closer. Come on. This is the 12th precinct."

XXXXXXXXXXX

On the first floor everything was quite routine. People scuttled about their business, and probably never would have noticed them even if they were visible, but then they stepped off the elevator onto the floor of the detective's bureau, and there wasn't a soul around.

Johanna looked around intently. "Is it usually this quiet?"

"No, never. Even in the middle of the night there's always a couple people here."

"Where are they?"

"I don't know. This isn't exactly the real world here, now is it?"

"No, I suppose it's not. But that shouldn't stop you from giving me the grand tour. If I know you at all, I'm sure this place consumed more of heart, mind and time that it should."

"You're probably quite right about that."

Johanna followed Kate to the break room.

"This is probably our favorite room here. It gives a brief reprieve when we need it. Not to mention we've all spent our share of nights crashed on this couch during tough cases."

Her mom looked around the room. It was pretty much what she'd expect in any police station except for one thing. "Is that an espresso machine? The police must be getting a lot better funding these days if you've got one of those!"

"No, the funding is crap. That was a gift to the department from Castle."

"Castle?"

"Yeah, Richard Castle. He's an author, maybe you've heard of him?"

"Sounds vaguely familiar, but I don't think I've read any of his books. Why did a writer give you guys a coffee machine? Did you solve a case for him?"

"Nope, actually it was kinda the other way around." Kate told her mom about how she and Castle became acquainted and he started following her.

"So you're saying he's written a book based on you?"

"Actually, three. The latest of which is going to be released at the end of the summer. Now that I think of it, I'm sure there's at least a copy or two in here somewhere. He always leaves a couple in here for anyone who wants to read them. "

Kate started searching through the cabinet that held some decks of cards, DVDs, and books.

"What do you think about being in the spotlight like that?"

"At first I wasn't too thrilled about being portrayed as Nikki Heat, but it's grown on me and he's grown on me. So I usually don't mind. Besides he's a good writer. I admired his work even before I met him. So it's kind of an honor."

"Nikki Heat? That sounds like..."

"A stripper name. I know. If that weren't bad enough, Nikki's counterpart is Jameson Rook, who's based on Castle, and there are always sex scenes in every book that happen between them. Trust me. I've taken a lot of flack for that."

Kate found "Heat Wave" and gave it to her mom.

"So he's written your dating life into his books? Isn't that a bit... tacky?"

"Um no no no, Mom. We've never been together. That is all fiction, or perhaps fantasy for him."

"Oh. The way you light up when you talk about him, I thought for sure you guys were together. Ooops!"

"No, he's one of my best friends, and has even become my partner but it never went farther."

Johanna wasn't in a place to argue, but if Kate was anywhere near being the same person that she was so many years earlier, she'd swear her daughter wasn't being completely honest with either her or herself.

She looked through the book for a while and when she looked up, found her daughter staring out a window toward an office.

"Whatcha looking at?"

"Captain Montgomery's office."

"Is that the boss who's funeral you were speaking at?"

"He was. He was killed in the line of duty, protecting me."

Johanna didn't say anything because Kate had already left the lounge and was walking toward the Captain's office. She followed quietly, while still trying to let her daughter have her space.

Kate went to Roy's desk and sat down in his chair. She ran her hands along the smooth wood of the heavy piece of furniture. Files were stacked neatly on one side, a coffee cup at home on the other. Family pictures were dotted around the small room. It looked like it always did at the end of the day.

Without looking up, Kate knew her mother had followed her.

"Mom, they killed him because of me."

"What?"

"The people behind your murder wanted me dead because I was getting too close. He knew that and stood up to them. He felt responsible for me and thought that if he took them out, I'd be safe. He did and died in the process, and I still wasn't safe. He gave his life for no reason. Another senseless death."

"He gave his life doing what was right. He took a stand against evil and that is never senseless." As Johanna's words faded in the silence of the room, she turned and left, knowing that Kate needed time alone.

Ten minutes late, Kate emerged from the office, and closed the door behind her, finalizing all that had happened.

She went to her desk where her mom was sitting, reading Heat Wave and munching on jelly beans from her candy bowl.

"Why is your desk the only one with a chair next to it? I thought at first it was for witnesses or something, but then other desks should have chairs too."

"Nope. It's Castle's chair. He was determined to stick around, so I had to do something to keep him out of my chair."

Kate unconsciously caressed the seat and then closed her eyes as she sat down in it. This did not go unnoticed by her mother, but she was wise enough not to comment on it.

For a time probably longer than an hour, the two women sat at the desk and just talked about the missing years between them. Johanna didn't have much to add but letting Kate talk was therapeutic for both of them.

After finishing telling the story about how Castle saved them and the city from the dirty bomb, Kate paused thinking she heard music again.

"Do you hear music?"

They both sat quietly for a bit.

"No. What kind of music?"

"I don't know. I've heard it before, or at least I think I do, but I can never pick it out."

They sat silently for a while, both straining to hear the elusive notes.

Eventually Kate gave up and stood saying she had more that she wanted to show Johanna. So she took her to Esposito and Ryan's desks and told of how they'd gone from being part of her police brotherhood

to actually being brothers in her weird unconventional family.

"Is Castle a brother to you too?"

"No, that would be weird he's more like... um.. well he's..."

"Isn't he part of the family?"

"Of course he is! Hell, Ryan calls us Mom and Dad!"

Johanna raised an eyebrow at the implication.

"I know what you're thinking! You're as bad as Lanie! And maybe if things had gone differently it would have worked out like that, but it didn't and now what's done is done. Come on. I'll show you where we interrogate people."

Kate successfully diverted the conversation and Johanna again let it drop as they headed into the small room next to the bull pen.

The door clicked softly after the pair were both in the room.

"I've spent a fair amount of time in rooms like this with clients. Of course I was on the opposite side of the table from where you would be."

"I never thought about that."

Kate looked like she was going to say something more, but something in the two way mirror caught her attention. Instead of seeing her reflection like she should have, it was like watching the screen of a TV.

There were no sounds, but scenes from the last couple years of her life moved across the glass like a slide show.

Johanna saw it too and stood beside her statuesque daughter as they watched the images together.

Kate showed her mom, who Lanie and Ryan and Espostito were.

Johanna guessed who Montgomery was and then recognized a few friends from Kate's teen years.

Whenever images with Jim Beckett in it came up, Johanna's face spoke volumes to what she was feeling, causing both women to tear up more than once.

Soon the first scene with Castle came up.

"That's him isn't it?"

"Yeah that's Castle."

"He's very attractive!"

"Yes he is."

Another image appeared and then another and another. There didn't seem to be any order or chronology to the memories, just random glimpses into Kate's life.

One thing she did notice though, was that during all the years' worth of pictures of family and friends, there was not one of Josh or any of her ex boyfriends. In fact if she hadn't seen the image of Ryan dressed as a dead doctor at Rick's Halloween party, she never would have thought of him at all.

After hundreds of scenes passed before them, one final one froze in the glass.

It was from Kate's perspective on the ground. The image of Rick hovering above her, the cheery blue spring sky above him, a stark contrast to the raw anguish etched into his face.

Johanna took her daughter's hand. "What was this from?"

Kate couldn't tear her eyes away. "It's the last thing I saw before everything went black," She choked.

As she watched, the image began to fade back into the mirror and for a brief moment both Castle's face and her own reflection were visible.

When he was completely gone, Kate's entire body began to tremble, and her tears began to fall. "I loved him Mom. I loved him and I never told him."

Johanna hugged Kate to her for a long time, but Kate wasn't consoled. Soon her chest began to hurt from the sheer pain of it all.

"I knew that I care for him, but I was too stubborn to admit it. And now I'm gone and it it hurts so bad I can actually feel pain in my heart."

Johanna's head shot up. "The heartache is a physical pain?"

Kate nodded and sobbed.

"Then we need to go. Someone else is waiting for you, and they can heal that pain."

Kate wasn't thinking clearly so it took a little while for her mom's words to sink in. When they did, they were already at the elevator.

Johanna pushed the button and waited.

"No mom. Please. We can't go. I can't go."

"It's time Katherine."

"No Mom, No!"

"Katie, I love you so much, and this isn't goodbye. It's see you later, OK?"

"What? I don't understand."

The elevator doors opened, and Johanna guided Kate back into the lift and then kissed her before stepping back out. Kate didn't see the blood on her mom's hands.

"Tell your Dad I love him. OK, Honey?"

The door slid shut before Kate could stop them.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The car of the elevator began descending slowly at first, but it quickly gained enough speed to knock Kate back into the wall.

Faster and faster she fell, making it harder to move and even harder to breath.

Kate tried to call out, but the breath caught in her throat and her lungs burned.

The lights began to blink on and off hurting her eyes. She squeezed them closed as tightly as she could but couldn't completely block it out.

The car was falling even faster.

Music started again. This time she was certain.

Castle's voice began to echo in her head, "They're gonna kill you Kate. And if you don't care about that, at least think about how that's gonna effect those people who love you."

More music played and it seemed to be getting louder.

It's took all of Kate's strength but she was able to pulled her arms up over her head as she tried to block everything out.

The music was now muffled but that only made Montgomery's voice sound clearer. "We speak for the dead. That's the job. We are all they've got once the wicked rob them of their voices. We owe them that. But we don't owe 'em our lives."

Kate writhed on the floor as the panic and pain consumed her.

The music reached a crescendo just before Rick's voice penetrated the chaos again. "Shhhhh Kate please! Stay with me, Kate! Don't leave me! Please! Stay with me OK? Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

For a brief second everything was filled with bright white light. The voices stopped. The music stopped. The elevator stopped, everything stopped.

Then a new song being played by a piano started and the floor of the elevator dropped open. Kate was plunged into darkness as she floated downward through the void.

_Oh, why you look so sad?_  
><em>Tears are in your eyes<em>  
><em>Come on and come to me now<em>  
><em>Don't be ashamed to cry<em>  
><em>Let me see you through<em>  
><em>'Cause I've seen the dark side too<em>

Except for pain in her chest and being able to hear the song, all of her senses were impaired. She couldn't see or smell or taste. She was even emotionally numb. There was no fear or anxiety, there was just her and the song.

_When the night falls on you_  
><em>You don't know what to do<em>  
><em>Nothin' you confess, could make me love you less<em>

_I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you_  
><em>Won't let nobody hurt you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>

As the the song continued to play, the melody began to penetrate her subconscious. She knew this song. It was part of her distant past, but she was pretty sure it was part of recent events too.

_So, if you're mad, get mad_  
><em>Don't hold it all inside<em>  
><em>Come on and talk to me now<em>

_Hey, what you got to hide?_  
><em>I get angry too<em>  
><em>Well I'm a lot like you<em>

_When you're standing at the crossroads_  
><em>And don't know which path to choose<em>  
><em>Let me come along<em>  
><em>'Cause even if you're wrong<em>

_I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you_  
><em>Won't let nobody hurt you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>

_Take me in, into your darkest hour_  
><em>And I'll never desert you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>

Then it came to her. After Roy's death, Rick wouldn't leave her side. He stayed at her place. He made sure she ate and slept took care of herself. He held her and cried with her. He was her silent strength when there were no more words.

But the morning of the funeral, before the boys came over to talk, he played this song while he was making breakfast and she was getting dressed. She thought it was a sweet gesture and figured it was supposed to make her feel better about Montgomery, but now she knew better. Rick was trying to tell her what she needed to hear. He loved her and needed her as much as she did him. They weren't alone. They had each other.

_And when, when the night falls on you, baby_  
><em>You're feelin' all alone<em>  
><em>You won't be on your own<em>

_I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you_  
><em>Won't let nobody hurt you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>  
><em>Take me in, into your darkest hour<em>  
><em>And I'll never desert you<em>

_I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you_  
><em>Won't let nobody hurt you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>  
><em>Yeah<em>

_Won't let nobody hurt you_  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>  
><em>Won't let nobody hurt you<em>

Suddenly Kate realized she was no longer falling or floating. There was something firm but soft below her back. Her chest still hurt but it wasn't unbearable. Her senses started coming back online. She could hear a distant beeping along with the music. She scent of disinfectant filled her nose. Something strong and warm was holding her face.

_I'll stand by you_  
><em>No, no, no, no, no<em>  
><em>Take me in, into your darkest hour<em>  
><em>And I'll never desert you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>  
><em>I'll stand by you<em>

Kate fought past the fog and tried to blink. It was light and then dark again.

"Come on Kate. You can do it. Wake up for me."

She blinked again. Light. Dark. Light. Dark. The music continued but had moved on to a different song.

She fought even harder to win the battle over her body and finally opened her eyes all the way.

Rick was hovering over her just as he was the last time she saw him, but this time they were definitely inside a hospital.

Tears streamed down his face, and dripped onto hers as he kissed her forehead and cheeks. "You're awake! Oh my God. You're awake!

X

X

X

Epilogue

After Kate woke up, doctors and nurses began to trickle in. Castle called Jim who had only just left the hospital for the first time in three days. Then he called Esposito who was with Lanie and Ryan. And last, he called home to tell the good news to his mother and daughter.

Kate's loved ones all rushed to her side, but Rick never left it. When the doctors told them that Kate needed rest. She held onto to Rick's hand and wouldn't let go.

When Kate slept Rick slept in a chair beside her.

When they removed her breathing tube and feeding tube, he hovered as close as possible, just within her sight.

The first word from her parched lips was his name, and it had never sounded as sweet.

He was at her side immediately.

The nurse got her to drink some water and then watched her for a while to make sure she was stable before leaving, but the moment they were alone; she bared her soul.

"I love you Rick. I'm sorry it took so long for me to be able to tell you, but I'm done playing games and building walls. I love you and I don't want to ever be without you again."

It was what he'd waited months if not years to hear. Knowing she loved him was a healing balm to his soul.

"I love you too Kate, I always will."

The End

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**A/N: Hello my friends. I hope you enjoyed "Threshold". After watching the finale, I had a couple ideas for finale based fic, but a lot of those crumbled as I read some of the Marlowe interviews and spoilers for next season. Then a couple days later while I was in the shower, the idea for "Threshold" came to me. I wanted to race to my computer and start writing right away but I was still finishing "Reservations" and knew that if I let my dyslexic ADHD brain jump to this ship, I might never finish the other story. So I focused on that project until it was complete and then planned to take a short break before starting this, but couldn't help myself and began writing sooner than I thought I would.**

**I hope this story is different from the others out there. To be honest I know there's a lot post-"Knockout" fics out already, but I wouldn't let myself read any of them, so that I could keep a clear mind for this story. Sometimes its hard to keep your thoughts organized when you read other stuff with a similar feel to it, especially for a brain as spastic as mine! Now that I've completed both of my big projects I'm looking forward to going back and reading about 5 weeks of missed fanfic! That should keep me busy for a while!**

**I'd like to give credit to everyone involved in the making of "Knockout" for creating such a fantastic episode. I hope you don't mind that I borrowed some of your scenes and dialogue for this story. It wouldn't have worked without it.**

**Also the "Royceisms" are not mine but I'm not sure who to give credit to except for the real men and women in the US police force. I stumbled across them on a police message board, but can no longer find the site to credit the screen names. So to all the real law enforcement, thank you for your service and your awesome quotes! I'm grateful.**

**I also need to recognize the band, "The Pretenders", who's song I used in part 3. Ever since I watched Knockout, this song has been my creative theme, if you will. I feel it's just so appropriate for Rick and Kate.**

**And one more person I need to thank is my "real life" friend Melissa. You listen to me rant and ramble about all this craziness and even take the time out of your busy day to indulge my hobby and I appreciate it. You understand the crazy that is me and just laugh with me, not at me. Thanks! :)**

**Please let me know if this story is something you enjoyed. It was a little different from what I'd usually write, so I'd love to know if it actually worked.**

**Have a wonderful day!**

**And as always, Happy Reading!**

**Your friend in fic,**

**DeBo81**


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